Rubina’s Story

I remember my Abba and Amma

Death always scared me to my core. Watching burials as a Pakistani girl, I witnessed the rituals.

Maut aik din sab ko aati hai (Urdu: Death comes to all), would say the elders. Kis ki pata si k aj isna aakhri diyarha ai. (Punjabi – Mirpuri dialect: Who knew it would be his/her last day).

As a Muslim, I was taught that death is part of life. I was very close to my father. After my marriage dissolved, I argued about the consequences of his choices; the forced marriage, the new home 4,000 miles away, the struggle as a single-parent. I was blessed to hear his apology and heartfelt sorrow. I was blessed for being able to visit him in Pakistan to apologise for being harsh with him. Days before his death, we argued further. He passed away suddenly after a spell of illness, peacefully and gracefully. My guilt lived on but so did his soul as a spirit guide. I was keen to not to repeat this experience with my mother, who I regularly clashed with. I quashed any outstanding conflicts with her whilst she was alive, as a way to beat life to it this time, before life beat me.

Today, their deaths have rewritten my understanding of death. Abba and Amma, not a day goes by when I don’t miss you. My soul is at peace because I finally understand – your death has not separated us, instead it has reconnected us. It has reconnected me to myself.

Rubina Khalid, CO-CEO at WomenZone